Monday, 22 April 2013

Enjoying Tea and Biscuits at the Citadel – Author Steve Emmett

No sooner had we opened our doors, when Steve Emmett, a fellow harking from the North East of Merrie Englande rolled in, bearing a hogshead of fine English ale and something that resembled a magic horn.
I must say he is causing quite a stir here in the citadel and has made a few of the handmaidens blush.
He was last seen heading to Thunder River with Wimpl the Unwilling in a sack. My goodness! 

We are extremely pleased you have journeyed to us in the Karkonose. Can you tell us something about the place where you usually dwell and your background?

  For the last few years I have dwelt in the Land of Despair, in the North East of Englande, in a village of goblins who speak with a strange accent not understood in the Halls of Westminster. The land is ravaged by flood and frost for ten months of the year, by gales which carry away all but the fittest of men for one month, and a drought as dry and dusty as Gandhi’s flip-flop the rest of the time. Strangers are not welcomed here and those who venture in to partake of the famous local ale are lucky to escape with their sanity. Here we hide behind a façade of gregariousness but in reality we despise one another as much as the outsiders. The motto over the village gate reads: Never do owt for nowt, and if tha must, allus do it for thisen.

Are you enjoying your visit to the Citadel?

   Oh Lord, am I! Just to get away from the miserable sods and the dreadful weather is a pleasure. The chaos abounds here and I just love it. I’m hoping to meet you personally because I know you breed spiders, as I do; I have big one stashed down my trousers and if you show me yours, I’ll show you mine. Now I’m off to do some gnome archery. I can’t wait to see how far I can fire Wimpl the Unwilling.

Tell us what is happening to you at the moment as a writer.

  I’m full of excitement for my latest scroll which nears completion. It is a fearful concoction of symbols designed to strike terror at the hearts of all good men, and all the better for the collaboration I have effected with the well-known witch of Ely, Julia Kavan. She came to me this very day to cast spells together and is now upon her broomstick heading back to her lair to make the final sacrifice.

Do you have anything exciting lined up for the future?

 I would go out tonight, but I haven’t a coat to wear, so when the temperature rises I will go abroad at sunset and let some blood. I hope to be spotted by the Prince of Darkness and honoured with an invitation to Transylvania. During the daylight hours I will complete said scroll, then turn my quill to yet more insanity of a literary nature. And I always have wine, the staff of my living death, at £10 for three from Asda who could say no?

I have a long running feud with Vlad Dracula, who lives over in Transylvania. He thinks I stole his wife and will not let it lie. Do you any recommendations on how I should deal with the grumpy old curmudgeon?

Send him a copy of Twilight. He will be so offended he’ll leave immediately for the USA to dispose of Ms Meyer and forget all about his feud with you.

My wife Ruby says I spend too much time in the local village and not enough time counting turnips for her. How can I keep her happy?

Put a good measure of schnapps in her kyselo and take her for a romp in Rübezahl's Garden. When she sees your carrots she’ll forget all about those vile turnips.

How can people find you on this Internet thing-a-me-jig? Do you have a web address or other ways that lovely book fans can read more about you?

Twitter: @chukkie58

Steve’s first horror novel, Diavolino, is available in paperback and eBook from a number of sellers worldwide, including Amazon:

He’s also published a humorous eBooklet on Amazon called the A-Z of Understanding Italians:

 Thank you for your time and sage advice, Steve.


  1. I am entirely indebted you, Oh Great One.

  2. Excellent post! As usual Steve is full of great advice (Vlad will be sooooo happy!), but watch out for the witch from Ely's hex :-)

  3. The witch hath already caste her evile eye hence and threatens revenge afore nightfall

  4. Impalement is too good for anyone who would render one of the undead sparkly.

    Nice interview fellas.

  5. Oh I am so she really coming? Run for the hills!

  6. This seemeth to be a take over

  7. You are most welcome to chat as much here as you like.

  8. After finally setting foot on solid ground (the wind was blowing hither and thither above the A1, made steering the broomstick a tad tricksy), and after toiling over the removal of the stains resulting from said sacrifice, I have caste my evil eyes over the script above and it pleases me greatly. What spell did you weave that I did not sense you had a secret in your trousers,Sir Emmett? Tho, in truth , if I'd known what lurketh within... I'd have fled to the hills.

  9. But why, oh witch of Ely? It may have put a smile on those withered lips

  10. Great post Steve! You seem to have found a second home here at the Citadel - you fit right in. Hmmm...should we be worried for you?


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