Monday, 28 November 2011

Gnome Archery - a resounding success!

Much to my surprise, the gnomes have taken to archery like ducks to water.  They seem to have incredible natural talent with the short bow, and the gnome keepers had a busy time of it changing split targets in the courtyard. I swear that a couple of them would be able to hit a jumping flea from a hundred paces!

I think we might just field a team of gnome archers at the Legendary Creatures Christmas Fayre in England this year. The competition will not know what has hit them.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Mrs Svobodova's delightful evening

Although both parties seemed initially reticent, Princess Ruby managed to set up another evening for my wizened old butler, Stanislav, and the vivacious Mrs Svobodova. Tickets for a screening of  The Legend of St. Procopius at the quaint Trnka Picture House were purchased beforehand, and a coach detailed to pick up Mrs Svobodova.

The evening is said to have gone well, despite the butler arriving late due to an unfortunate incident with a bicycle lock. Furthermore, a minor mishap occured near the end of the screening when some celluloid burst into flames, leading to the impromptu evacuation of the cinema and the summoning of the village's drunken fire warden, Mr Pospisil.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

The green-eyed monster raises its ugly head

Ruby has not been herself for a few weeks now and, dare I say it, I am getting a bit suspicious.  Yesterday afternoon she told me she was working on a Christmas play with her handmaidens, but when I went to see what was happening there was no sign of her.  The handmaidens told me she had finished early to see to a pressing matter.

To make matters worse she was seen heading towards the village wearing a cloak and hood.  I am praying that it has nothing to do with...HIM.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Debacle on Thunder River

My gnome keepers tell me the fishing trip to Thunder River was quite an affair last Sunday. The problems began when the fishing tackle mysteriously vanished in a forest clearing on the way to the river and had to be retrieved from a bog. Later, two gnomes fell in the river, but were luckily rescued from the turbulent whirlpool beneath Thunder Falls.  Matters only got worse when a sleeping bear was disturbed, and went on to maul the picnic hamper and devour the sandwiches.

The only fish that was caught during the day - a fine trout - managed to knock out Grundl Wibblesnapper as he proudly displayed it. 

Saturday, 19 November 2011

More peculiar happenings in the village

I am definitely going to investigate the village more thoroughly. Since reporting some of the strange things that happened last week, there have been more baffling occurences:

Vilem's goat herd has now doubled in size again and the beasts have been running amok in the village, munching just about anything that is not tied down, and a few things that are.

The village inn has just won a national contest for 'best hostelry'.

Almost unbelievably - Old Man Wenceslas was spotted riding a dirt bike and has reportedly won a race.  My goodness!

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Vlad the Impaler's smelly riposte

I was in a mishievous mood earlier this morning and I decided to concoct a little gift for my old friend, Dracula.  Using a special formula, I managed to create a particularly pungent bank of smog and sent it on its merry way towards Vlad's castle.  However, the malodorous fog had barely crossed into Carpathia before it was intercepted by the old dragon, and has now returned to settle over my beloved citadel.

I must say the formula is very special indeed. Every single man, creature and beast has sought refuge in the catacombs - and yet the horrid stench still afflicts our nostrils. It is even worse than the foul aroma of the cheese cellar.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Fw: Memo: Abney Park, London

Fellow Agents,

We have detected increased activity in the area of Hackney.  We believe the bifurs may be operating out of Abney Park Cemetery. The dense foliage and thorny thickets make this an ideal place for one of their urban bases, so confidence is high. 

We are still awaiting confirmation of a possible location in Hopfield, Yorkshire.

Remain vigilant and keep your eyes peeled. 

Boris, Chief of Secret Police

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

A tragic accident in the Jizera Mountains

I am afraid that I bring you some bad tidings in the form of the untimely demise of Mr Kopek. Mrs Petrushka and Mr Kopek were walking along an isolated path yesterday afternoon, when Mr Kopek accidently slipped and fell into a ravine. Mrs Petrushka has cut short the honeymoon and will be returning to the citadel on Saturday.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Gnome elections: the results

The ballot papers have been counted and the results are as follows:

The new spokesgnome is Grundl Wibblesnapper, who won by a comfortable majority.

The two leisure activities chosen are:

fishing on Thunder River
gnome archery

The gnome keepers will make arrangements with Grundl about when the events will take place.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

A rendezvous with Mrs Svobodova

Stanislav, my faithful butler, had his first date last night.  I am pleased to report that the rendezvous was fairly successful despite his getting lost on the mountain and arriving an hour late. His companion for the evening, the sprightly widow, Mrs Svobodova, enjoyed an exhibition of clog dancing followed by fine feasting in the village tavern.  The only hiccups of the evening were the butler's false teeth dropping in the soup and his falling asleep in the cloakroom when he went to hail Mrs Svobodova a taxi.  She is thought to have got home safely.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Strange happenings in the village

It has come to my attention that some odd things have been happening in the village recently. Not greatly extraordinary, but...well...a bit out of the norm.

For example, the size of Vilem the Goat-herder's herd has somehow trebled in the last week, and yet there are no other goats on the mountain or in the lower pastures. Also, a cache of gold coins has been inexplicably unearthed in the grounds of the hospice, and Old Man Wenceslas' incurable bunions have suddenly cleared up.


Friday, 11 November 2011

Gnome elections

In order to keep the gnomes happy I have decided to allow them to choose a spokesgnome.  Two candidates have come forward and there will shortly be a ballot.  The candidates are:

Grundl Wibblesnapper
Rornl of Qamdo

As a secondary election, they will also be able to choose two out of five leisure activities to do in their free time.  The list is as follows:

gnome football
gnome volleyball
fishing on Thunder River
gnome archery

The results will be announced shortly.

Sergeant Valdek's prize winning moustache

I heard some gossip today among the servants about that old goat Sergeant Valdek. Apparently, his moustache has garnered first prize in a regional whiskers contest. I am not usually interested in the affairs of the man, but this has certainly come as a surprise.  His moustache, though fairly bushy and impressive, is in no way worthy of such an accolade.

I am beginning to suspect there are mysterious forces at work in the village.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Lonely butler seeks a heart

I have noticed that my venerable old butler, Stanislav, has not been himself of late. I mentioned it over dinner to Ruby, and she instantly came up with the prognosis of terminal loneliness.  She suggested that we find the curmudgeonly servant a wife (or girlfiend at least). 

I have to admit that I am a bit sceptical about this plan because I am quite sure Stanislav has made his own decision to be a bachelor.  I am still deciding whether to broach the subject with him.  In the meantime, Ruby will begin lining up some potential candidates.

The path to true love is indeed a mysterious one.  Certainly if Princess Ruby is involved.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Reply to Field Marshal Babbington

I am so incensed by Field Marshal Babbington's open letter in Goblin Monthly that I am forced to respond.  If the C in C of the bifurs in Europe cannot get his facts right, then there is truly no hope for the luck goblins.

It is not me who is in the wrong, it is you.  If you a did a bit more research, you would discover that chaos is the natural state of things.  It is your interfering with the course of history that is abominable, and yet everybody seems to think that you are the goodies.


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Mrs Petrushka's honeymoon

Princess Ruby has informed me that Mrs Petrushka and Mr Kopek will be on honeymoon next week.  They have arranged a hiking holiday across the border to Poland. They will also be traversing the Jizera Mountains, with its breathtaking rock formations and steep bluffs.

Monday, 7 November 2011

Drunken gnomes

The experiment to give the gnomes some beer has been a complete disaster.  This morning they are very subdued and are going about their duties somewhat sluggishly.

Yesterday evening, the head gnome keeper took a keg of ale to their quarters to supplement their feed. However, after he returned from dealing with a pressing  issue, they had already drained most of the barrel. The antics that followed included the disappearance of half the ornaments from the flower garden, the ransacking of the already stricken cheese cellar, and the waking up of most the citadel by a bawdy chorus of gnome songs in the courtyard at midnight.

As punishment, I will withhold today's ration of gruel and oatmeal.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Prince Vlad strikes back

It is no secret that I have a fairly strained relationship with Vlad the Impaler.  Our disagreements go back centuries, and I admit that the original problem was caused due to my impetuous nature.  However, it still does not justify the horrendous curse he placed upon me.

Anyway, having discovered his new dwelling place in Carpathia, I decided to send him a housewarming present - well, actually a house-wetting one to be precise. 

So I created a particularly irksome little storm cloud and sent it to drench his castle.  However, it seems I underestimated his power, because he sent it right back, and it promptly released six months' worth of rain on the citadel. Fortunately, the damage has not been too significant, excepting the damage to the cheese cellar and the flooding of the dungeons.  No one was harmed, though two gnomes had to be rescued from the cheese cellar. What they were doing in there is anyone's guess.    

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Forthcoming wedding of Mrs Petrushka

Dear Villagers,

Princess Ruby is pleased to announce an impromptu post-wedding celebration for the wedding of our head cook, Mrs Petrushka, next Saturday.  It will take place in the village hall from 5pm onwards.

Mrs Petrushka will be marrying Mr Adam Kopek, a wealthy antiques dealer from the village.

This will be her 6th marriage. You may probably recall the unfortunate demise of her last husband, Mr Holub, who accidently fell over a cliff whilst out walking with Mrs Petrushka.  Mrs Petrushka has now thankfully recovered from the ordeal and has now finally inherited Mr Holub's considerable estate.

Mrs Petrushka has elected to maintain her current surname.

Fw: Memo: whereabouts of super hacker

Esteemed colleagues,

Self-styled cyber warrior, Gordon Gimley (aka Psyl@nder), has been sighted in the south Pacific region.

Gimley was released from Belmarsh Prison by the British government to aid them with the hyper crunch. He was subsequently rewarded with freedom and considerable personal resources.

His most recent activity has been to turn our communications hub into an online gaming network. A heinous act from which we are still recovering.

Keep your eyes peeled.

Boris, Chief of Secret Police

Feeding and watering gnomes

We have been having a few issues with our current batch of gnomes. This has come as something of a surprise I must say, as gnome husbandry has never been a problem for us in the past.  However, my head gnome keeper tells me that they are refusing to take their gruel, oats and cabbage water, and are protesting in their cells.  One of them was reported to have groaned the word 'beer' at suppertime last night.  Perhaps giving them some beer would not do any harm?

Problems with lightning (update)

My accuracy with directing lightning has greatly improved at last.  After a few practice bolts in the courtyard, I managed to hit my target first time. Sergeant Valdek's slippers were instantly incinerated in a fizzing ball of flame.  He was not wearing them at the time.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Recipes for root vegetables

The citadel's head cook, Mrs Petrushka, has requested recipes for root vegetables. There are 734 of one particularly noisome variety in the pantry, and she is desperate to be rid of them.  Mrs Petrushka and her family have been tormenting our tastebuds for generations here on the mountain so I beg for your culinary ideas as soon as possible.

Matchmaking madness

I fear that Ruby's obsession with aiding romance is getting out of hand.  It began with the servants, and then the poor villagers.  Now it seems there is barely a marriage or relationship in the whole Karkonose region that she has not interfered with. Where will it stop? Love should be able to take its own course.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Fw: Memo: location of secret base

We are aware that there are hundreds of hidden bases, but we are particularly interested in locating one in woodland near Hopfield, Yorkshire. The little creatures usually conceal entrances near trees or bushes - and holly seems to be a favoured location.  We believe that there might be a coded method of accessing the base.  Keep your eyes peeled.

Boris, Chief of Secret Police

Sergeant Valdek's missing slippers

I have a confession to make. I am able to explain the mystery of what happened to grumpy old Sergeant Valdek's slippers.  I visited the village disguised as a tramp three days ago and stole them from under his desk.  I just cannot help myself sometimes. It serves him right for hunting on my mountain.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Troublesome gnomes

I have recently come into the possession of some more gnomes.  They are very practical and intelligent little creatures, and I am lucky that into my service.  However, they are very stubborn, strong-willed and feisty - and I am having trouble getting them to do my bidding. My usual methods of punishing them do not seem to work any more. I would be very grateful if any gnome keepers could shed light on this issue.

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